I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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