Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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