I think I died a long time ago.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
