Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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