I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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