I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
