Where did you get a picture of my penis
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
