Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
