i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
