The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
