No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
