onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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