He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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