Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
