when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
