I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You were trust falling into bushes
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
