Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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