It's Friday. Sex?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
