just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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