having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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