I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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