We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
