what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My life is pants optional.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
