she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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