Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
