Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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