My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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