I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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