Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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