the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
