Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am spending my child support on dildos
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize