WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
