alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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