Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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