dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
