Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
