i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Four minutes until I can fart!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
