How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
