I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
