He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
