I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
