he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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