I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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