k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Terrible idea I love it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
