She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
