This is not my ceiling
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
