he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize