babies were throwing up all over the place
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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