We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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