forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
