Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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