I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
