The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
