Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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