if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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