the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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