ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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