Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize