i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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