I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
