Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
