My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
