WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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