I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
