can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
