I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
