I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
